Trusting in Trials

 I have recently been struggling with the thoughts of Bella's next surgery.  For those of you who do not know, she had a shunt put in her heart, but it is only a temporary fix.  As she grows her heart will outgrow the shunt and they will then have to do another open heart surgery to do a full repair on all the defects of her heart.  They expect this to be in the next few months so right now we are focused on getting her strong and healthy for her next surgery.   That being said, the number one comment that I have heard from friends and family since getting out of the hospital has been "I don't know how you did it!" To be honest, neither do I, but to be really honest......I didn't, God did.  I never dreamed that my first experience of motherhood would be such an emotional, physical and spiritual challenge.  There were so many times that I sat in that hospital room and chuckled to myself thinking on the fact that Bella will not even remember any of this and yet we have been scarred for life!

I mentioned in my previous blog that even though we were aware of her condition in utero and felt prepared, we really were not.  Well, that statement became more and more true with each passing day.  Many things came as a shock even though we had been told repeatedly. The amount of stress that Andres and I endured was nothing short of driving us to insanity. There is absolutely nothing that can prepare you to hand over your child to a team of doctors knowing that there is a chance she might not come back.  There is nothing that can prepare you for the words from a doctor's mouth telling you something went wrong.  There is nothing that can prepare you to find out that your daughter's life had to be revived while you were sitting in a waiting room anxiously awaiting news, under the impression everything was fine.  There is nothing that prepared me to see my daughter with a huge cut down her chest, tubes coming out her chest, nose and throat, bruised body and not coherent. The real issue that I struggled with through it all and still deal with today is TRUST.  Do I trust the Lord enough to hand my sweet baby back to that same team of doctors in a few months and do this all over again?  Do I trust that they will be successful in her full heart repair?  Do I trust myself enough to be strong for not only Bella but for Andres and our family? Do I trust that there is a future for my precious Bella?  The answer is, I think so......that answer is not popular, the correct answer would be YES of course I trust the Lord completely and His will, but unfortunately, I struggle daily with that because I am out of the loop!  I did not get the memo on the end result! I did not get to put in a vote!  So, like I mentioned earlier, my anxiety in the last few weeks has been on another level.  As days pass I have found myself slowly slipping into what seems to be a constant state of worry and obsession.   Andres said he thinks I kiss her way too much, but I seem to think its not enough....Does she know how much I love her?  Does she know I would trade places with her if I could?   I am so grateful for a wise and God fearing husband who always steps up to encourage me and lead me, not just emotionally, but spiritually, pointing me to the Word.  Andres told me that in 1 Peter the Lord says, when we became christians, we signed up for suffering.

1 Peter 4:16 says, "yet if anyone suffers as a christian, let him not be ashamed, but let him glorify God in that name."
1 Peter 5:10 says, "And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you."

I know that God has a purpose in all of this, and although I may not now all the reasons, I do know that it is meaningless if I am not glorifying Him through it.  I know my God is in control and I have peace in that hope that comes from knowing Him as my personal Savior.  If you do not have this peace and hope, I pray that you will find it.  Christ died on the cross for you and for me and He rose again on the 3rd day so that we might have this hope.  His salvation is a free gift, is all we have to do is accept it.  I still struggle daily with all the questions in my head, but my heart trusts in the Lord and His gift of salvation. The truth is, Bella is not mine....she is on loan for however long God sees fit.   I know God has big plans for Bella but I do not know His itinerary for her life, so I am thankful that He chose us, two completely undeserving people, to be her parents and we are cherishing every moment.  Trust is a daily comittment for us, but the will of God will never take us where the grace of God will not protect us.  As her next surgery approaches we ask that you keep us in your prayers. Below are just a few specifics we would appreciate your prayers for:

• Peace for Andres and I
• Bella to continue to grow and stay healthy.  (weight gain is an issue right now)
• Wisdom for Dr. Gonzalez, her cardiologist
• Wisdom and steady hands for Dr. Q, her surgeon
• wisdom in our finances, as I am staying at home full time now with Bella and medical bills are coming in
• All the families that are dealing with CHD children.  Specifically a very brave young mother, Angela, who was just a few doors down from us, who just recently lost her precious baby girl, Ella
• Through all of this, the Lord will be glorified

Anabella Grace: our new little Nina

As many of you already know, our baby girl was diagnosed in utero with a heart condition called Tetralogy of Fallot.  We found out at our 20 week appointment and so began our emotional roller-coster ride for the next several months to now.  Every appointment was different and the news was rarely good news, but our faith that the Lord had His hand on her heart was our comfort.  I am not saying it was easy to trust nor am I saying that it is easy now, but we try very hard to trust that the Lord has a plan.  The doctor's final plan before birth was that as soon as she would be born they would run some tests and determine whether surgery would be immediate or anywhere from 3-6 months.  Ideally, they preferred 3-6 months because she would have more time to grow and learn how to eat on her own to be strong for surgery.  That was the doctor's plan....not the Great Physicians.  His plan is different, and I wish that I could say that I am ok with that, but to be honest, I am struggling.

 

Anabella Grace was born on May 10th weighing in at 7lbs, 15oz and 21inches long.  We were told that she would come out "pink" (breathing correctly and good color from proper blood flow) or "Blue" (not getting enough oxygen.)  She came out a little blue but quickly recovered to pink as soon as they got her to NICU.  She is so beautiful and perfect.  Daddy and I could not be more happy and excited.  The next 3 days went smoothly and they told us that she could go home....4 days earlier than planned....we were elated!  She went home with us and we had 3 amazing days at home, resting and adjusting to the new life of being parents.  We were scheduled for an appointment with the cardiologist on Friday, and that's when this train takes a unplanned turn.  After 2 hours of tests the doctor came in to tell us that we were not going home, but that we were going straight to All Childrens Hospital to be admitted.   Her saturation levels were not good and she was at risk, so off we went to the hospital....and here I sit 5 days later writing this blog.  So, the plan of action is that we will most likely be here for another 3 weeks, allowing her to be monitored and stable.  She will thengo in for open heart surgery to repair the 4 issues, hopefully for good.

If I tried to explain what Andres and I are feeling, there would be no words.  I never knew that I could have such a connection to this brand new family addition, a connection that physically pains me to my core.  Many friends have made statements that they can't believe how well we had handled the whole pregnancy and our positive attitudes towards the situation.  We continually told others and ourselves that "it is fixable and we are blessed," but as the time has arrived that statement is the last thought in my mind.  Do I know that it is a true statement?.....yes.  Do I struggle daily to trust completely in the Lord?....yes.  We never anticipated the emotional battle that we are in right now and the word trust was much more easier to swallow when we weren't in the midst of it yet, but still, we strive for it.  All we do know is that God hand picked us to be Bella's parents, for whatever reason, He has chosen us and that is a fact that we can not ignore or take lightly.  Hands down, this is the hardest thing that we have both ever had to go through, but we are determined to do our best and as the Lord would have us.  Tears are a daily occurrence but it doesn't mean we are broken it just means we are human, but thankfully, God's grace is sufficient.  

Your prayers are appreciated.

Only Ashley

I have recently been reminded that there are so many things that happen to me that are rare and oddly humorous, so I thought I would start to document them for entertainment purposes.  I have often been told that my life would make for an awesome reality show, so let's call it "Only Ashley"
Where to begin.....

• There was the time that I was driving and hit a poor little Mexican man on a bicycle.....but I am still sticking to my story that it was his fault....it really was!
• There was the time that I had my axel on my truck break...3 times....while driving....and once on my birthday.
• There was the time I tried to pass a garbage truck and got ran off the road into an old lady's yard and almost went through her house.
• There was the time I got knocked out by a professional volleyball player's spike and it caused me to have swelling on my scalp, making my face oddly shaped.
• There was the time I put Visine A drops in my eyes and it dilate my pupils to where there was no blue left, and then having my mom wake me up every hour with a flashlight in my eyeball to make sure I was not suffering from a brain injury.
• There was the time I hit a bussard while driving, bouncing its  caracas into the back of my truck.
• There was the time I got lost so badly I drove over the Howard Franklin 4 times.
• There was the time I crashed my uncles computer by typing in "I want to play Sammy"..... a game with a worm named Sammy that I played as a child.
• There was the time I threw my back out trying to lift a 400lb compressor and was bed bound for 5 days.
• There was the time I dropped my mom flat on her back while I was trying to carry her to her room after taking an ambien and falling asleep on the couch...in what seemed to be a coma.
• There was the time I did $1800.00 worth of damage on my car for running up onto a water gutter.
• There was the time I charged $22,000.00 to my parents credit card on accident while trying to pay $2,000.00 for my college courses. 
• There was the time me and my sister dislocated my niece's arm while swinging her over puddles.
• There was the time I tripped and fell, throwing my glass of grape juice all over my front door and rug, dying it purple.  
• There was the time I spent the first night of my honeymoon violently vomiting and diarrheaing.
• There was the time I passed out in the shower on the 2nd day of my honeymoon.
• There was the time I said "hey man, what's up?"......to a teenage girl that strongly resembled a boy.
• There was the time I got knocked unconscious and had my glasses broke while playing wiffle ball.
• There was the time I got massive diarrhea on my big date with Andres and he had to stop at 4 gas stations on the way home.....needless to say, it took our relationship to the next level.

Anywho, these are just a few to mention.....sadly.....there are many, many more.  Hope you got a laugh, I live to entertain:)

Late 20's

Well, it is official....I have now entered the late 20's.  I never thought I would be 27!  Being the baby of 4 children, you never really feel old b/c you are still the youngest, but I must admit, I am kinda freakin out about being close to 30! But I don't wanna talk about it b/c I start to breathe heavy and sweat in my socks.

Anywho, this has been a crazy last few months, hence the lack of blogging.  They always say that the 2nd year of teaching is the best, and yet....as always...I have to be the exception.  Don't get me wrong, I love my students this year and I feel so much more prepared and confident this year in my teaching, but man, I am getting hornswaggled on the administration end!  Though I can not tell you the details.....due to possibility this could be seen, take my word for it........2nd year has kicked my butt and I could not be more anxious for summer!

Moving on to more pleasant things, me and my Latin celebrated our 1 year annivrsary November  12th!! I can't believe it has been a whole year!  We are very happy and I can't wait to see what this next year holds!
Celebrating your anniversary and birthday one week apart is normally a crummy deal, but my hubby took me on a relaxing vacation to a B&B for our anniversary and then surprised me with a new ring for my birthday......he is learning so fast!  

These are just a few things that have recently made my life crazy.....stay tuned for more!

Who Knew?!

When you get married and away from mommy and daddy's umbrella of protection, there are many situations that you find yourself saying.."Who Knew?!"
Let me give you a few examples:
Who knew.......

• You have to get new car insurance before you cancel your old car insurance?!
• The dishwasher might not be working simply b/c you need to flip the breaker in the garage before you call a repair man to your house?!
• You can't flush q-tips down the toilet?!
• The sound of running water might be the toilet and that's the reason the water bill was $95?!
• Even though no one uses the guest bathroom, it still gets this disgusting ring around the toilet bowl?!
• I was going to have to show my husband how to mow the lawn?!
• It is a bad idea to clean the shower with cleaner, bleach cleaner none the less...while you are in the shower?!
• you have to consult your spouse on big purchases?!
• The trash people have to be paid monthly?!....Pasco county stinks! Literally....b/c of our trash left on the curb due to non payment!
• You have to water plants more than once a week?!
• Old food attracts little annoying fly's?!
• Towels have to be washed before used...unless you like being a lint ball?!
• Black beans have to soak for a day before they can be cooked...unless you like eating pebbles?!
• Cutco knives are really that sharp?!
• Expiration dates on milk are meant to be followed?!
• Spanish markets are the place to get your meats?!
• Vacuums have to be emptied?!
• Soccer channels cost more money?!

Anyways, you get the picture:) As annoying as it is to find these things out on your own and after the fact, I'm not sure if I would have it any other way. 

What's in a Name?

Here's the thing, I had to get my name changed recently and I got to thinkin......this aint fair!!! Why is it that the guy has it smooth sailing, while the girl is having to change everything!  There's more to it than the simple name change though, there is something deeper that happens when you get your name changed...at least for me.  As I stood in line for an hour and a half only to get a ticket that would get me into another line for 3 hours, I couldn't help but get flustered.  At first I thought it was the fact that I was standing in line surrounded by smelly people from every country but our own, but after I finally got out of there with a horrible picture on my new license, I realized that was not what was bothering me at all.  I don't know if any new bride has felt the same, but as I walked out of that building, all I could think of was that Ashley Gordon just disappeared.  Now, I am not one of those women's rights kinda girl, I have always said "of course I would take my husbands name, that was just the wifely thing to do," but I must say, it was harder than I thought!  Please don't misunderstand, I love my husband and I am proud to be Mrs. Jimeno, but I have been Ashley Gordon for 25years! That evening, I had a major breakdown.  Poor Andres must have thought he had married a nut and was going to have to commit me to the loony bin, but something came over me that I could not control.  After hours of sobbing and hiding my hideous, puffy, red face I was finally able to blurt out what was bothering me.  As happy as one can be to get married and spend the rest of your life with the person you love, there is still sadness over the things that are left behind.  After many tears and talking to Andres and my mom, I came to realize that Ashley Gordon didn't disappear, she grew up.  A name can never take away who you are, where you have been, and the memories that will be with you for a lifetime; it only opens a new chapter and new and exciting adventures.  I miss my parents, my old bed, my mom's cooking, my single friends and my own bathroom, but the great thing is that I am beginning a new type of relationship with my parents, one of friendship, I am developing new friendships with some great couples, and I am living in a new home with the man I love.....Life could not be better.  For all you new brides, change happens, and it's ok to feel sad, but don't let it consume you.  Embrace the change and let the Lord handle the rest for His plan is best!

Wedding Bells

Well, the wedding bells are over, and although it has only been 3 months, it is so hard to remember.  I always thought that I would never be that bride that says, it was all so crazy I can hardly remember it.....but here I am stating just that! 

you thought I was lying about sleeping 2 days

The honeymoon, on the other hand, was such an adventure that there is no possible way that can be forgotten!  I think I might be the only girl who can say she threw up, pooped and passed out in front of her new groom all in the first day of marriage! Let's just say I am really good at breaking the ice:)  I can say that it definitely tested the character of my new hubby, and he passed with flying colors!  My favorite thing he said was, "you okay baby, oh baby, what did you eat, that looks disgusting!"  But, he might be the only man who has gotten to watch 15hrs worth of UFC fighting while his new bride was passed out for the first entire day of marriage, so he wasn't to torn up about it:)
After the first 2 days of putrid illness, we set sail to Cozumel, Cayman Islands, Rotan and Belize.  We had such an amazing time and we both got to do the excursions we wanted.  He got his choice of snorkeling and playing with the monkeys at Jumblina Park in the Caymans, and I got my choice of swimming with the dolphins in Cozumel.  We got some great photos with the dolphins, unfortunately they cost as much as it would if we wanted to buy our own dolphin, so we have mental photos that will last a lifetime!  We also kept the brochure so we can show people that we did what the people on the brochure did......it's better than nothin!!

Caymans snorkeling

We are so buying a monkey!

Newho, we are now in the groove of living life as a couple, and though it has had it's challenges, I am so happy and could not possibly be more in love!  He is the best thing I could ever ask for.....and he even helps vacuum and mop!!