Trusting in Trials

 I have recently been struggling with the thoughts of Bella's next surgery.  For those of you who do not know, she had a shunt put in her heart, but it is only a temporary fix.  As she grows her heart will outgrow the shunt and they will then have to do another open heart surgery to do a full repair on all the defects of her heart.  They expect this to be in the next few months so right now we are focused on getting her strong and healthy for her next surgery.   That being said, the number one comment that I have heard from friends and family since getting out of the hospital has been "I don't know how you did it!" To be honest, neither do I, but to be really honest......I didn't, God did.  I never dreamed that my first experience of motherhood would be such an emotional, physical and spiritual challenge.  There were so many times that I sat in that hospital room and chuckled to myself thinking on the fact that Bella will not even remember any of this and yet we have been scarred for life!

I mentioned in my previous blog that even though we were aware of her condition in utero and felt prepared, we really were not.  Well, that statement became more and more true with each passing day.  Many things came as a shock even though we had been told repeatedly. The amount of stress that Andres and I endured was nothing short of driving us to insanity. There is absolutely nothing that can prepare you to hand over your child to a team of doctors knowing that there is a chance she might not come back.  There is nothing that can prepare you for the words from a doctor's mouth telling you something went wrong.  There is nothing that can prepare you to find out that your daughter's life had to be revived while you were sitting in a waiting room anxiously awaiting news, under the impression everything was fine.  There is nothing that prepared me to see my daughter with a huge cut down her chest, tubes coming out her chest, nose and throat, bruised body and not coherent. The real issue that I struggled with through it all and still deal with today is TRUST.  Do I trust the Lord enough to hand my sweet baby back to that same team of doctors in a few months and do this all over again?  Do I trust that they will be successful in her full heart repair?  Do I trust myself enough to be strong for not only Bella but for Andres and our family? Do I trust that there is a future for my precious Bella?  The answer is, I think so......that answer is not popular, the correct answer would be YES of course I trust the Lord completely and His will, but unfortunately, I struggle daily with that because I am out of the loop!  I did not get the memo on the end result! I did not get to put in a vote!  So, like I mentioned earlier, my anxiety in the last few weeks has been on another level.  As days pass I have found myself slowly slipping into what seems to be a constant state of worry and obsession.   Andres said he thinks I kiss her way too much, but I seem to think its not enough....Does she know how much I love her?  Does she know I would trade places with her if I could?   I am so grateful for a wise and God fearing husband who always steps up to encourage me and lead me, not just emotionally, but spiritually, pointing me to the Word.  Andres told me that in 1 Peter the Lord says, when we became christians, we signed up for suffering.

1 Peter 4:16 says, "yet if anyone suffers as a christian, let him not be ashamed, but let him glorify God in that name."
1 Peter 5:10 says, "And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you."

I know that God has a purpose in all of this, and although I may not now all the reasons, I do know that it is meaningless if I am not glorifying Him through it.  I know my God is in control and I have peace in that hope that comes from knowing Him as my personal Savior.  If you do not have this peace and hope, I pray that you will find it.  Christ died on the cross for you and for me and He rose again on the 3rd day so that we might have this hope.  His salvation is a free gift, is all we have to do is accept it.  I still struggle daily with all the questions in my head, but my heart trusts in the Lord and His gift of salvation. The truth is, Bella is not mine....she is on loan for however long God sees fit.   I know God has big plans for Bella but I do not know His itinerary for her life, so I am thankful that He chose us, two completely undeserving people, to be her parents and we are cherishing every moment.  Trust is a daily comittment for us, but the will of God will never take us where the grace of God will not protect us.  As her next surgery approaches we ask that you keep us in your prayers. Below are just a few specifics we would appreciate your prayers for:

• Peace for Andres and I
• Bella to continue to grow and stay healthy.  (weight gain is an issue right now)
• Wisdom for Dr. Gonzalez, her cardiologist
• Wisdom and steady hands for Dr. Q, her surgeon
• wisdom in our finances, as I am staying at home full time now with Bella and medical bills are coming in
• All the families that are dealing with CHD children.  Specifically a very brave young mother, Angela, who was just a few doors down from us, who just recently lost her precious baby girl, Ella
• Through all of this, the Lord will be glorified

Anabella Grace: our new little Nina

As many of you already know, our baby girl was diagnosed in utero with a heart condition called Tetralogy of Fallot.  We found out at our 20 week appointment and so began our emotional roller-coster ride for the next several months to now.  Every appointment was different and the news was rarely good news, but our faith that the Lord had His hand on her heart was our comfort.  I am not saying it was easy to trust nor am I saying that it is easy now, but we try very hard to trust that the Lord has a plan.  The doctor's final plan before birth was that as soon as she would be born they would run some tests and determine whether surgery would be immediate or anywhere from 3-6 months.  Ideally, they preferred 3-6 months because she would have more time to grow and learn how to eat on her own to be strong for surgery.  That was the doctor's plan....not the Great Physicians.  His plan is different, and I wish that I could say that I am ok with that, but to be honest, I am struggling.

 

Anabella Grace was born on May 10th weighing in at 7lbs, 15oz and 21inches long.  We were told that she would come out "pink" (breathing correctly and good color from proper blood flow) or "Blue" (not getting enough oxygen.)  She came out a little blue but quickly recovered to pink as soon as they got her to NICU.  She is so beautiful and perfect.  Daddy and I could not be more happy and excited.  The next 3 days went smoothly and they told us that she could go home....4 days earlier than planned....we were elated!  She went home with us and we had 3 amazing days at home, resting and adjusting to the new life of being parents.  We were scheduled for an appointment with the cardiologist on Friday, and that's when this train takes a unplanned turn.  After 2 hours of tests the doctor came in to tell us that we were not going home, but that we were going straight to All Childrens Hospital to be admitted.   Her saturation levels were not good and she was at risk, so off we went to the hospital....and here I sit 5 days later writing this blog.  So, the plan of action is that we will most likely be here for another 3 weeks, allowing her to be monitored and stable.  She will thengo in for open heart surgery to repair the 4 issues, hopefully for good.

If I tried to explain what Andres and I are feeling, there would be no words.  I never knew that I could have such a connection to this brand new family addition, a connection that physically pains me to my core.  Many friends have made statements that they can't believe how well we had handled the whole pregnancy and our positive attitudes towards the situation.  We continually told others and ourselves that "it is fixable and we are blessed," but as the time has arrived that statement is the last thought in my mind.  Do I know that it is a true statement?.....yes.  Do I struggle daily to trust completely in the Lord?....yes.  We never anticipated the emotional battle that we are in right now and the word trust was much more easier to swallow when we weren't in the midst of it yet, but still, we strive for it.  All we do know is that God hand picked us to be Bella's parents, for whatever reason, He has chosen us and that is a fact that we can not ignore or take lightly.  Hands down, this is the hardest thing that we have both ever had to go through, but we are determined to do our best and as the Lord would have us.  Tears are a daily occurrence but it doesn't mean we are broken it just means we are human, but thankfully, God's grace is sufficient.  

Your prayers are appreciated.